Pants down? Hands up!
Guest blog by Doug Sacrison, Crime Rant intern
So you just sat down to watch an episode of COPS. And why shouldn’t you? You’ve earned it. Today we’re following some officers in Flint, Michigan. Two grizzled cops with mustahces are riding around slowly.
Officer Pestronelli speaks: “So, uh, today we’re out on sag patrol. Means we’re looking for perps whose pants are too low.”
His partner, Officer O’Hoolihan pipes in, “If I can see briefs, we take ‘em to the chief,” or something in that vein.
That’s right, folks. Cops in Flint, Michigan are now out on the prowl for saggers. Don’t give them lip about freedom of speech. If someone is complaining they can see your drawers, you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. The book will be thrown at you, and you won’t be able to catch it, because you’ll be holding your pants up.
I’m curious as to how this issue was first addressed. A theory (from earlier in the theoretical episode of COPS): A group of gruff beat cops (most mustachioed) wander into the station on Monday morning, pour themselves a cup of strong black coffee, light some cigarettes, everyone grabs a donut out of the big pink box being balanced precariously by the rook. Suddenly the chief slams the door of his office, letting the wooden shades bang loudly on the glass. The rook drops the pink box, amid some snickers from the vets.
“Listen up, everyone,” yells the chief, slamming down a folder on one of the metal tables. “We’re going to start doing things differently around here. Flint, Michigan has for too long been a cesspool of visible underwear.”
And of course the episode ends with Pestronelli and O’Hoolihan pushing a perp with visible boxers decorated with hearts into the back of a squad car. As the picture fades to black, O’Hoolihan mutters, “It just makes me sick.”
Does sagging your pants lead to crime? I don’t know. Ask someone who has done research on the subject, then giggle at that person for researching the way people wear their pants. Personally, I think the Flint cops should mabye go nab some people for committing a crime against humanity, not fashion.
And besides, the police should be happy if these supposed soon-to-be criminals are wearing their pants below their derrieres. Because when they commit a real crime, they won’t be able to run too well. Hooray!
July 1st, 2008 at 10:51 am
Ummmm. HAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s all I can say on the subject.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Seriously, these guys must have to go to the chiropractor every other day to have their hip adjusted from walking weird to keep their pants up. But, as far as I am concerned, when the day come that I can go topless, I won’t bitch about the saggers. Until then, they need to be arrested for indecent exposure!
July 1st, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I like the saggers. I especially like the kids that wear their tight pants belted under their ass.
Everyone needs someone to point and laugh at.
As far as indecent exposure goes, c’mon. Indecent is an old man in a speedo, plumbers that have huge asses that fall out when they bend over. Not UNDERWEAR.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Hey, my preference would be for people to keep their butt cracks, boxers, bellies, and boobs to themselves. Good rule of thumb, if it is considered private, keep it that way, but a police crack down! — surely they have badder asses than these to pursue.
As always, a fun article, Doug.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I don’t know if it was intentional Compassrose…but police “crack”down on saggers just completely made me laugh.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:50 pm
badder asses was pretty damn funny too. You know, the guys with skulls printed on their boxers
July 1st, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Well… hmmmm….. why don’t they go after the “ladies” (using that term VERY lightly), who have saggers also…. except on the top half of their body….. skin, bras, silicone… all hanging out. I’m just sayin…………
July 1st, 2008 at 2:26 pm
LOL — puns were intended.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Yeah, I pretty much don’t wanna see anybody’s anything hanging out…lmao.
Unless of course it’s, well, nevermind.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I think I’m going to move to Flint. Not because I really have an axe to grind about saggers, but that must be the no-crime Mecca in the U.S.
Seriously, I saw this woman’s bra strap in Taco Bueno the other day and I’m still just speechless over my offended sensibilities.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:01 pm
LOL KDuba and Compassrose. I don’t want to see anybody’s booty crack or their undergarments.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I dont want to see anyone with bleach blonde hair and an 80’s doo. But do you think it should be illegal?
July 1st, 2008 at 3:56 pm
If it is pubic hair, and you have to look at it then yes. You are comparing apples and oranges.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:59 pm
No, not so much. I actually think its funny that you think they should be arrested for showing underwear. And you dont have to look either lol.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Sophie,
You mean still attached or do you mean . . . never mind. I’m going to get some coffee.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I don’t really think they should be arrested for it Melissa. You took my post too literally. But, it wouldn’t bother me a bit if they did out law it. Like I said, when I can walk around with everything showing that a man can, then it won’t bother me. It is more of a matter that it is a double standard that bothers me.
Yes, Lisa, I mean still attached! LOL you are too funny!
July 1st, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Omg–I love the new Crimerant poll.
Too funny!!
July 1st, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Um, Uhhhh, Robert Kardashian is dead.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Um , so is Johnny Cochran.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:09 pm
In general, girls show FAR more skin than the guys who are showing their underwear. Havent you seen the thong peek with the bra/top? The underwear look is TECHNICALLY showing nothing. I have no problem with it. I just laugh because they look so ridiculous.
And besides, I have been known to go to the store in boxer shorts and a tank top. Which “I” think looks normal But I am wearing the underwear as OUTERwear when I do that.
And I think the dead guys was the point
July 1st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
LOL
That look drives me right up the wall. I just want to race up and give them a giant wedgie.
Still I don’t think they should get arrested for it.
In the school here where my nephew goes you cannot where your pants like that.
I just don’t get how they are comfortable in it. Not to mention how they walk….
July 1st, 2008 at 5:33 pm
The worst is the tight pants with the belt right under the ass. I dont know if you have seen it yet, but I have been at the C-Store where nobody in line could keep from laughing.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I got that Melissa, about the dead guys… Geez, you are slow on the uptake tonight, LOLOL. As far as women showing more skin, as I have said 6 times already, the day I can go topless like a man can is the day I will quit bitching about the double standard. You walk around like that for one day, and you’ll get arrested for prostitution.
I want to give the a wedgie too Michelle.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Sophie says:
“…the day I can go topless like a man can is the day I will quit bitching about the double standard”
Hello? This is what you want to do?
July 1st, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Hell yes, A, I would love to be able to cut my lawn without a bra and shirt like all the other men in my neighborhood do. With a towel around my neck of course.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I’ve seen the tight sagging pants Melissa. My son said that is an emo style and that it is retarded. I really don’t like the sagging pants at all. It doesn’t seem indecent (to me) to see somebody’s boxers, but it is just the most unattractive, unflattering, stupid style that I’ve ever seen. It is impossible to walk normally while sagging. I don’t know how they will enforce this though. I was told that the style started in jail because most of the jail pants didn’t fit and they were often sagging. So yeah – people are trying to copy jail pants. nice.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
HAHA – I support your right to no support Sophie. Personally I think Americans are very prudish about boobs. People even make a stink about women feeding their BABIES in public! WTF?
But again, I reserve my right to point and laugh.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:18 pm
That is standard. We did it too if you remember. Remember converse sneakers without shoelaces? Yep, that comes from prison too.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I agree with your WTF about people having a problem with women breastfeeding. However, the women doing it should cover up with a little blankie.
We never wore the Converse without shoelaces. Just WITH the laces, and now that Converse are easy to find again, I collect them.
Why not a black and white prison outfit that sags? I mean – just go all the way with it. Perhaps accessorize with a scarf, a belt, or some shoe charms. But it needs a logo… I’ll have to think about an appropriate logo. Maybe a little policeman?
July 1st, 2008 at 6:40 pm
We have new neighbors–a European gal who does her gardening in a teeny-bikini. All the other housewives/women are in an uproar. LOl.
Cracks me up. There’s very little cultural diversity where I live.
And the breastfeeding thing is ridiculous. But that’s another story…
July 1st, 2008 at 6:48 pm
I am really glad that this problem is finally being addressed. But I am a little bit biased as a pair of low slung pants killed my father.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:59 pm
OK, this is my question about the sagging pants…why the heck do guys wear them like that then walk around pulling them up with one hand? I don’t know if they all do, but it seems everyone I’ve seen with the saggy pants is always trying to pull them up. I don’t know…maybe it’s just me.
Why do they wear them that way when they can’t walk but must waddle instead? The last time I saw a walk like that was when I saw Howard the Duck back in the 80s.
At least in the 80s we had class…we wore our pants so tight there was no way they were falling down to show off our undies….jeesh, kids today. LOL.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Oh, and A., I’d be in an uproar too…but only because of extreme jealousy. If I gardened in a bikini, the neighbors would all move.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:04 pm
LMAO KDuba.
I was thinking the same thing about me. I would be arrested for indecent exposure.
I don’t get the pulling them up thing either.
My favorite one was a show where a guy got arrested and the cop had to hold his pants up while they walked because they took his belt! I couldn’t stop laughing about it. He looked real tough handcuffed in back with some big ol guy keeping his pants up as he shuffled along…
July 1st, 2008 at 7:10 pm
LOL, TxMichelle!
I kinda figure why wear ‘em so big if all you’re gonna do is pull ‘em up.
Maybe the neighbors wouldn’t move if I gardened in a bikini. I’d probably be asked to move for lowering property values. Ah, the joys of aging…when body parts aren’t in the same places they were when you were young. *sigh*
July 1st, 2008 at 7:39 pm
I am getting a kick out of this blog. Nick, I will bite.
How was your father killed by saggy pants?
July 1st, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I have the hands up song going through my head now.
Hands up, baby hands up. Give me your heart baby give me your heart baby right now…
Perhaps these pants has made that dance for us elders at weddings
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FUDrE2Ye2M
July 1st, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Scarlett asks “why don’t they go after the “ladies” (using that term VERY lightly), who have saggers also”
LOL, you might be interested in these two articles from NH:
http://seacoastonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080221/NEWS/80221013
http://seacoastonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080630/NEWS/80630016
With lovely picture.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:06 pm
problem pants – HAHA
July 1st, 2008 at 9:14 pm
With that view of her backside, I’d hate to know what the front looked like.
She makes a whale tail look modest.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase butt ugly.
Someone please buy this girl some clothes that fit or a longer sweatshirt.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:41 am
I wonder if her defense will be she is a plumber in training!
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:45 am
ACK
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:02 am
I sag my pants everyday, I’ve been doing it since I was in middle school. I don’t even need a belt to hold them up because my pistol does the job.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:02 am
Bill the Cat!
ACK too funny
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:33 am
How does a pistol hold up pants? Seems the weight of the pistol would make the pants fall down even faster.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:04 am
LOL, I think el chica is probably trying to fit in her pants from high school. I still love the name problem pants. I have the giggles again.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:09 am
Terri, I think he means his weiner. Or maybe I’m wrong…LOL.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:23 am
Oh, I guess I missed that KDuba… He was so cool that my head was spinning.
I’ll have to view the YouTube links later. They won’t work on this computer.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 am
I actually did mean my pistol, but disregard my previous comments because I was high. I don’t think this blog is for me.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 am
Agreed.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:23 am
I agree as well.
July 4th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I cant believe NOBODY had a laugh at the youtube vid lol.
July 5th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Hmmm, did I spell weiner wrong? Is it wiener? Oh, man, what’s the world coming to when I can’t even spell wiener right?
July 5th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I cant believe you still call it a wiener lol
July 5th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Ok, that was frickin classic! As much as I hate the saggers and have this incontrollable urge (every time I see them) to go up and pull them down, I think if cops are going after them, they need to get a life and another job. Is Flint, MI that safe and crime-free that that is all they need to do for work?
July 7th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I know, Melissa…lol. There are so many great words for it, but wiener is still my favorite…hehe.