Gregg: Are you there?

Matt: Yo

Gregg: Finally, you moron!

Matt: I didn’t know you were looking for me … I suppose it’s my fault our IMs have been down for the past month.

Gregg: I’ll take the blame. I had you on Block for awhile. You see how we were mentioned over there at Wired magazine’s blog?

Matt: Yeah, I saw that. Huff pointed it out to me in an e-mail: “Table of Malcontents.” I love the tagline they gave us: “[Crime Rant is] a great source of breaking news and weirdness in the world of crime.”

Gregg: That’s us all right. Broke and weird.

Matt: Hey, how ‘bout that Gloria Allred. She’s seeing all green, huh? Incredible. She strikes me as a woman with extremely bad breath … as if I can smell it through the television.

Gregg: Be careful: she’ll sue you! Last time I saw Gloria she had her skeleton face buried in a salad bowl in the Leeza Show green room.

Matt: Sounds like Gloria. Boy, you are old: Leeza is so early 90s.

Gregg: Late ‘90s. But be careful—I’ll hire Gloria and sue you. And, yes, the golden days of true crime subjects on TV talk shows. Sally, Phil, Sleaza … they had vices, then.

Matt: Gloria claims to be a victims’ advocate … but I think she just likes to hear herself argue … She chastised OJ, is jumping on the Kramer train, and didn’t she sign a deal for Amber Frey with Judith Regan?

Gregg: Yes, she did Amber. She seems to pop up every five minutes with a demand for cash and airtime. Speaking of Judith Regan, I wonder why she’s not on the Michael Richards Apology Tour? Seems like a good fit, if you ask me.

Matt: Regan is in hiding right about now. Tired of Gloria … her daughter Lisa Bloom yelled at me last time I was on Court TV. And then cut me off when I went to respond.

Gregg: I didn’t even know Gloria had a daughter. She seems like the kind of mother who’d eat her young.

Matt: Or find a way to sue them. It’s too bad the father of Anna’s baby, Larry Birkhead, didn’t get Gloria on his team … he’d probably have a good case.

Gregg: I think Gloria was representing Larry. But good God, why bother? Just step back and let Anna self-destruct. Did you see that ET was milking her story again last night?

Matt: ET has made me vomit at the word “exclusive.” They are wringing that starlet like a dishrag.

Gregg: Yeah, more like a pair of sea sponges.

Matt: More like a pair of pillows. I forget which network analyzed the Anna interviews and claimed that Howard K. Stern had medicated her and is controlling her every move.

Gregg: That wouldn’t be too hard to do. Come on now. She’s kind of a Stepford Has-been?

Matt: When do you think she’ll do VH-1’s Has-Been House, err, Surreal House?

Gregg: Why, when Howard adjusts her microchip, of course.

Matt: She was never anything to begin with, or just another Fed-Ex type of B-lister who happened to be famous for being famous … sort of the Paris Hilton of her day.

Gregg: She was the Guess girl. As in, guess if I’m drunk.

Matt: Guess if I’m pregnant.

Gregg: I guess Paris and Britney Spears are best friends now. If we ever thought Brit was stupid for marring K-dip, then look at her choices for new Best Friend.

Matt: Maybe they’re lesbians.

Gregg: There’s you and the hot lesbian angle again. You live for those stories.

Matt: That would really give Brit’s career a boost.

Gregg: What are you thinking of our Miss Nancy Grace these days? She’s got her ten-inch heels dug into the Florida swamp and she’s not backing down, despite the lawsuit.

Matt: You see her with those cops down in Florida going through all that evidence in the Duckett case.

Gregg: She looked like a midget on a step ladder standing next to those cops.

Matt: That’s little person … hey now, I watch “Little People, Big World.” I love the Roloffs!

Gregg: Sorry, Matt … Little Person—like you. I figure you’d relate. Maybe I should go on Larry King and apologize for using the M word.

Matt: Nancy had Jack Hannah on the other night …. she’s trying the Larry King route now.

Gregg: What was she asking him?

Matt: How animals can better help solve crimes! Seriously.

Gregg: Animal Whisperer meets Pet Detective?

Matt: There’s a better joke in there somewhere.

Gregg: Charlie’s Beagles? Kennel 911?  By the way, we’re getting a new dog tomorrow. My wife wants to name it Suri. I feel like killing myself.

Matt: Suri … how do I know that name? Tom Cruise, right?
 
Gregg: Yeah, I think it means “created in a dish in a science lab.”

Matt: Is it an alien dog?

Gregg: Maybe, it’s a Dachshund. I might put it to work solving crimes.

Matt: McGregg.

Gregg: Maybe it could write books, too. I’ll see what Jack Hannah says.

Matt: Let’s call Judith Regan!

Gregg: I was once bitten by a dog and I want to confront Suri in a new book!

Matt: If Suri Did It.

Gregg: Love it. Calling my agent now.

Mathew says:
How ’bout Saved by the Bell’s Screech doing the sex tape deal, you see that? Poor guy needs to pay his mortgage.

Gregg says:
Maybe he’s trying to raise bail money for Tiffany Amber Hasbeen? She in the video, too?

Mathew says:
Not sure, but look at this: “I haven’t seen the tape. I’ve heard rumors. Dustin Diamond has been trying to escape the ‘Screech’ typecast. So this may help me get more bookings,” his agent Roger Paul discreetly told the New York Daily News.

Gregg says:
Seriously, Matt, who in the world would want to watch that sex tape? Talk about a mood killer.

Mathew says:
He’s got a gut now. I saw him on VH-1 pimping those ugly T-shirts. And that beard. Those babes with him better be fine! Is the Girls Gone Wild guy doing the tape?

Gregg says:
Yes. He’s calling it: Saved by the Balls.

Mathew says:
Cute, Olsen. Typical you. I heard Avril Lavigne spit on some paparazzi. Typical bad girl stuff.

Gregg says:
I thought she’d cleaned herself up. New image. Married. All that. She’s slipping back to claim her Anti-Britney throne.

Mathew says:
She must have a new record coming out.

Gregg says:
Yeah, Or something stuck in her teeth.

Mathew says:
Ha! More seriously, Congressman Mark Foley is now an alcoholic, you hear that one?

Gregg says:
Yeah. It makes me think that we can do ANYTHING now as long as we scurry off to rehab. Mel Gibson…anti Semitic rant. No problem. Rehab.

Mathew says:
Those Republicans better jump into that detox with him … because they are going to pay for covering this one up.

Gregg says:
Robin Williams. Bad movies. No problem. Rehab.

Mathew says:
I keep seeing the mugshot of that herbal druggie, what’s his name … Nick Nolte. It’s in my head.

Gregg says:
I’m so tired of what’s become the dog-ate-my-homework defense for bad behavior.

Mathew says:
It’s that whacky hair-do of Nolte’s … can’t get it out of my head.

Gregg says:
I’m there right now with you. Shake your head. It’ll pass.

Mathew says:
Foley is screwed, however, no two ways about it. Gonna love watching that perv go down. And you see what he said about Clinton’s Lewinsky affair … he had the nerve to call Clinton a sex addict.

Gregg says:
No kidding. I love these geezers on the internet… and their screen names as they troll for kids. We had one geek out here that ran a huge internet company with ties to Disney. His handle was “Hot Seattle.” The FBI nabbed him in a sting.

Mathew says:
How bout “Hotlless in Seattle,” or “Jailbird in Seattle”.

Gregg says:
This reminds me of Dateline and their tired “To Catch a Predator” series.

Mathew says:
The thing is, how stupid are these guys … whatever is written on the net is public, or will be someday. Distorted idiots.

Gregg says:
We know these guys watch TV, when they’re not typing one-handed on the net. They always say they “knew” they were going to get caught on “that TV show.”

Mathew says:
Sick of Chris Hanson. And now he’s gone and signed a book deal based on the show. Can we do anything in this world today without signing a damn book deal.

Gregg says:
He seems a little smug, that’s for sure. I do appreciate what Dateline has done with their series, but I’m bored with it. I can’t take the sight of one more middle-aged man with a ball cap on backwards and six pack of Zima.

Mathew says:
It’s the same ole, same ole, Kid. Hanson needs to do something new. Something innovative.
 
Gregg says:
Why don’t they set up stings and catch people with bad decor? Bobby Trendy could host. Which also reminds me of our favorite Bahamian/Texan, Anna Nicole. Did you hear about the father of her baby?

Mathew says:
Howard KKK Stern? This is beyond ridiculous now with this baby.

Gregg says:
More like Howard $$$ Stern. Talk about getting in bed with your lawyer.

Mathew says:
See the other fool on ET saying the baby’s his—he’s young enough to be Anna’s son? It has become all about the baby. How bout educating kids on the dangers of methadone. One pill can kill.

Gregg says:
No one cares about that, when money’s involved. Everyone wants to be the daddy because the kid’s the golden egg. If she continues to prevail in her lawsuit and gets the cash.

Mathew says:
True … but she hasn’t won anything yet in court, right?

Gregg says:
The billionaire’s son is dead. The Supreme Court says she can go after the dough. No one is standing in Anna’s way!

Mathew says:
She’ll get something. I’m sick of her already … what else you got?

Gregg says:
I’m still mad about Sonoma County.

Mathew says:
Sonoma?

Gregg says:
Yeah. Losing the computer evidence in the John Mark Karr case. They’re acting like their own show down there: Petaluma 911.

Mathew says:
Now THAT is funny, but so damn true it is sickening. John Mark Karr will be once again a national celeb for Nancy Grace to gain what, 10,000 more viewers.

Gregg says:
It always goes back to Nancy. You’re in love with her.

Mathew says:
It’s that Southern twang. Everyone is saying how much Nancy’s ratings increased with the Melinda Duckett case. But let’s break it down …

Gregg says:
She was sure trashed by Stephen King in Entertainment Weekly.

Mathew says:
Loved that article. My goodness, King gave her an old fashioned ass slapping. But her viewership is nothing, really. She went from like 380,000 to 450,000 or something.

Gregg says:
600K.

Mathew says:
But what is 600K actually? That’s nothing. O’Reilly’s has what, according to him, 3 million.

Gregg says:
It is if you’re stuck on cable in a pistachio green power suit.

Mathew says:
There’s a huge difference though in O’Reilly and Nancy.

Gregg says:
Yeah, Nancy’s nostrils are a lot bigger.

Mathew says:
No one is watching her.

Gregg says:
You could park a car in there. I don’t watch Nancy, anyway. I’ve been trying to view the Screech tape all weekend.  I heard Paris Hilton’s in it.

Mathew says:
That’d be hot.

Gregg says:
Later.

Mathew says:
Much, baldy.

Mathew says:
You think Nancy Grace’s interview with Melinda Duckett pushed the 21-year-old over the edge?

Gregg says:
We can blame Nancy for a lot of things. Hearing loss on viewers, for one. How much make-up NOT to wear, number two. But a guilty conscience killed Duckett, if you ask me.

Mathew says:
Two hours after the Nancy interview, Duckett killed herself. Come on, Nancy was brutal on her!

Gregg says:
Nancy was doing her thing, dude. And I didn’t see it. I can only imagine.

Mathew says:
Remember the Jenny Jones thing, where that one guest killed the other after the show?

Gregg says:
Yeah, and …?

Mathew says:
How far can “entertainment” media go? I saw the clip of Nancy. I’m not saying she pushed this chick over the edge, but she grilled her hard. Let’s not forget, Kid, her 2-year-old child was missing!

Gregg says:
It is supposed to be NEWS, but you’re right it is Entertainment Media, for sure. Nancy is pretty one note, though. And if you’re going to be one note, fighting for kids and victims isn’t a bad shtick.

Mathew says:
Nancy likes to create controversy. She’s always telling people to stop laughing. She likes to beat things to the ground. It comes across, at times, as not even over the top—just plain, ‘Oh, my, Gosh … come on, Nancy.’

Gregg says:
Nancy’s job—as a justice entertainment reporter—is to create controversy. I doubt anyone takes her seriously.

Mathew says:
She takes herself seriously, that’s the problem.

Gregg says:
Before she started doing shows like ”Secret Crush” and ”From Geek to Chic” Jenny did, too. Whatever happened to her, anyway?

Mathew says:
She’s likely pitching a mop in some infomercial. Or fighting Sally Jessy for that coveted spot as VH-1’s Surreal Life.

Gregg says:
Did you see Female Teachers Gone Wild last night on Dateline NBC? Everyone was searching for info about Debi Lafave after Matt Lauer gave her the spotlight.

Mathew says:
Lafave is playing that “dumb blonde” role pretty well.

Gregg says:
The best part was when the attention-seeker said the notoriety was hard on her. She figures she’s in the spotlight because she’s pretty. “Sex sells,” she says. No kidding. Don’t hate me/judge me because I’m beautiful.

Mathew says:
Matt Lauer got some pretty funny quotes out of her.

Gregg says:

Matt Lauer: Did you and this student have open conversations about the fact that you two might be getting into very dangerous territory?

Lafave: You know, there was very little conversation, to be honest with you. You know, looking back, he was 14, you know, what is there really to say to a 23-year-old …

Mathew says:
You know, and then Lafave said, you know: All of his friends were high-fiving him! I committed a sex offense, but I am not a sex offender.

Gregg says:
She blamed her dad, you know, and her husband, her boyfriend, her rape as a teenager, and, you know, her bipolar disorder.

Mathew says:
She sounds like Mary Kay—her mentor.

Gregg says:
Mary was different. Remember, Mary was “in love.” Lafavorite it seems was out for a good time.

Mathew says:
Love, my ass. Mary Kay was kid-toucher. Lafave had that same Crazy Mary look in her eye.

Gregg says:
The mascara was melting. I have to admit, she did look a little scary. You’d think they’d tone down that Joker red lipstick for the NBC shoot.

Mathew says:
She claimed she was raped at 13-14. I know from my research on female murderers, something that traumatic would set the wiring for an affair with a 14-year-old later on.

Gregg says:
That fits too easily. I don’t buy any of it.

Mathew says:
She’ll be in Playboy as soon as her probation is over. I’ll buy that, you know.

Gregg says:
Hustler.

Mathew says:
By then, Mary’s money will run out and she’ll probably be forced to start her own magazine: “Lessoned Learned, Teachers Exposed.”

Gregg says:
Jailbait Weekly.

Mathew says:
You’re sick, Kid. You know that! 

Gregg says:
Did you see where John Mark Karr (I love how these people instantly get three names!) is going to make an appearance in court today? I wonder if Wendy, AJ and Frank will show up with a media welcome wagon.

Mathew says:
I had driven those names from my mind … thanks for bringing them back up. Appreciate that, Kid. But since you asked, I’ll say that Karr’s court appearance has hardly been covered by media. See how quick they jump off!

Gregg says:
I bet his lawyers are so mad! They thought they would be in the spotlight bigtime. Now they are off in Podunk, Sonoma…

Mathew says:
Subject change … breaking news … Rita Cosby is interviewing the mother of the Lafave victim right now.

Gregg says:
I can’t stand Rita’s voice.

Mathew says:
She’s wearing a beautiful necklace.

Gregg says:
Maybe that’s her problem. It constricts her vocal chords.

Mathew says:
I’ve seen Rita at parties before. She talks the same way in a social atmosphere. First time I saw her, I expected a chain smoker … but I never saw her light up.

Gregg says:
Did she use the Ladies’ or Men’s room?

Mathew says:
My goodness you’re harsh.

Gregg says:
OK. But I’m bored.

Mathew says:
Ever since you won that literary award you’ve changed.

Gregg says:
Why are you slamming me?

Mathew says:
Just pointing some things out. Have you bought a white suit, hat and cane yet?

Gregg says:
You’re funny. On to more serious issues, though: Any news on Natalee today?

Mathew says:
That Larry Garrison was on the Today Show yesterday.

Gregg says:
Yeah, I understand she’s still missing in Aruba.

Mathew says:
Stop it and listen. Garrison, that idiot who represents the Karr family for film and book rights, wrote a book with Natalee’s father, too. He sat there on Today with a smile on his face saying he had some breaking news about Karr and Holloway.

Gregg says:
He’s another one banking on Karr.

Mathew says:
The Today Show called him on it.

Gregg says:
What was the news?

Mathew says:
He said NOTHING. He claimed Karr is going blow people away with his story when he finally comes out with it. Then he said HUGE breaking news in the Halloway case coming within a few weeks. He said some “Deep Throat” guy has been talking about Natalee’s murder.

Gregg says:
I can’t stand it. Such a waste of airtime. A bit like this blog.

Mathew says:
Get this, I heard a new document a radio station forced the Boulder DA’s office to release claims the Boulder DA knew when Karr was in Thailand that he was lying.

Gregg says:
The Boulder DA is in big trouble.

Mathew says:
In this document, Karr was asked why he chose “$118,000″ as a ransom. He said something like, “I knew the Ramseys weren’t that well off. So I chose $100,000 and then added the 18 because it is the age of consent.”

Gregg says:
Repeat: the Boulder DA is in big trouble. Proves that Lacey was never anything without Cagney, anyway.

Mathew says:
Jane Fonda’s coming on MSNBC, gotta go.

Gregg says:
Who cares about her? She’s old enough to be your grandmother.

Mathew says:
I watched “Fantastic Voyage” last night. Love that movie.

Gregg says:
FYI: Jane Fonda and Raquel Welch are different people. Fantastic Voyage is with Raquel, you know.

Mathew says:
I like that era of celebrity. They had class, style.

Gregg says:
They had grace. Rita Hayward gave good face.

Mathew says:
They had a strong sense of themselves, unlike today’s Paris Hilton-s.

Gregg says:
Or Anna Nicole-s? Enough about that. Did you see the item about the woman who took MySpace.com photos of her boyfriend’s new girlfriend to undercover cops to arrange a hit. In Arizona? Steve Huff will be all over that one.

Mathew says:
Nope. Haven’t heard of it. But that’s Huff’s obsession, for sure. Who cares.

Gregg says:
I do. I’m an early adopter of techno crime-solving. It broke yesterday in Mesa. Seems the woman, Heather Kane, offered up the photos to the cop, $400 bucks in cash. She was going to pay another hundred when the cop brought photo proof that the deed was done.

Mathew says:
Great. Another MySpace freak show. I love how it keeps bringing people together.  She actually got busted when she brought the money to the cop? Keeps Huff in business, though.

Gregg says:
Yeah. The whole thing could have been avoided if only she used PayPal.

Mathew says:
On the “Tranny and the Professor” post, Deb commented: “Some people still do not believe the Ramsey’s were involved in JonBenet’s death.” She kind of slapped Tricia around a bit.

Gregg says:
And some people believe that OJ didn’t julienne Nicole and Ron.

Mathew says:
Good point.

Gregg says:
Park Karr for a moment.  What’s going on? Good holiday weekend?

Mathew says:
Was okay. Rained here mostly. Hey, you catch that Diff’rent Strokes thing last night on TV?

Gregg says:
Yeah. Me, Todd Bridges and Gary Coleman. Maybe one or two other people.

Mathew says:
Were they sexually abused or something, was that the gist of the movie? I didn’t see it—I don’t watch trash TV. I was watching Emeril. Then that ‘70s countdown show on VH-1, along with filling up on the latest Croc Hunter info.

Gregg says:
Sexually abused? I guess I missed that part. I’ve only been concerned about how TV viewers have been abused by watching that “behind the scenes” crap. Trash TV? You watch Fat TV, the Food Channel.

Mathew says:
Isn’t Gary Coleman a security guard now at Target? Wasn’t he, or was it Todd Bridges, involved in the Surreal Life on VH-1? Or was it Mini Me I’m thinking about?

Gregg says:
Last I heard, Coleman’s a Wal-Mart greeter. Mini Me is hawking insurance now.

Mathew says:
What about Dana Plato? They must have really taken a poke at her.

Gregg says:
I’m uncomfortable with the word poke. Anyway, my favorite line from the movie was when Dana Plato’s character talked about her mother’s cancer. Dana: “Cancer sucks. It takes away the people you love.”

Mathew says:
That’s deep. But she’s dead. So don’t trash the dead, Kid, OK? Anyway, did you see that Nancy Grace is still running with the Karr story.

Gregg says:
What is Nan yelling indignantly about now?

Mathew says:
John Michael Karr … STILL. Can you believe it. She’s still going on about Tape Worm Wendy and Karr’s laptop.

Gregg says:
Did she mention her fiancé was murdered again?

Mathew says:
Every night. He’s dead, though, so stop trashing dead people, gees!

Gregg says:
Hey, I know some bloggers that have declared their sites Karr-free zones. But I’m not ready to let go of the wheel yet.

Mathew says:
That’s ridiculous. It’s trying to take the high road after getting mud smeared on your face. You know how it is. We’ve been in this biz, between us, what, about 40 years (although your end of that is MUCH higher). What is the one golden rule regarding coverage of a story?

Gregg says:
You made us sound ancient. Which, I am.

Mathew says:
You are archaic. Big difference. But you age well. I read, too, that you are comfortable with your baldness. And that you got sick of spending money on Rogaine. I think you’ve seen too many Chiapet commercials.

Gregg says:
The reporter made it sound like I once had a Bo Bice-do. It was more Ashton Kutcher on That 70s Show.

Mathew says:
Focus. Golden rule.

Gregg says:
See, I am old. I forgot to respond to your question. What is the golden rule, Mr. Hotshot?

Mathew says:
The one thing I want to see—and I will pay—is that photo of you from High School—the one where you had hair! Now that would worth posting. And there are plenty of ladies that dig the bald thing.

Gregg says:
At least I’m not short.

Mathew says:
Back to the golden rule—which is: Squeeze a damn story like a bar rag for all it’s worth until your readers tell you they’ve had enough. Let them decide. Didn’t Greta run with Aruba for like three months in a row? Look where it got her!

Gregg says:
Golden Rule or not, you’re short.

Mathew says:
I’m 5′9″, that’s the new 6′4″!

Gregg says:
“The plane! The plane!”

Mathew says:
You bastard.

Gregg says:
Take this stone from my hand, little Grasshopper.

Mathew says:
Us standing together side by side, I guess it would look like Fantasy Island. You’re 6’8”, right? Kareem-like. That’s freakish.

Gregg says:
Side by side on an island? That sounded gay.

Mathew says:
 Speaking of which … aren’t we close to completing our exclusive on Mr. American Idol, Clay Aiken.

Gregg says:
Close. Yes.

Mathew says:
Can we dish a little now on that—maybe a teaser…?

Gregg says:
Not yet. I don’t want to tip off his Claymates. BTW, “dish” sounds gaykin, too. Back to Crime Rant fodder. I can’t wait for LDS prophet Warren Jeffs to make his court appearance. I miss Big Love.

Mathew says:
I have a Jeffs post coming together. Waiting on a call from someone on that.

Gregg says:
Someone from above?

Mathew says:
No, someone from below, actually.

Love BIG LOVE. This Jeffs case and Colorado City in general is so close to that HBO storyline it’s scary. Here’s a question about those people: What do you do with them? Where do you put them?

Gregg says:
Buy all the women new calico prairie skirts and hustle them over to HBO.

Mathew says:
Consultants! Got it.

Gregg says:
Everyone needs to consult.

Mathew says:
How ’bout this football coach, Cory Petero, running after a kid who tackled his kid during a 13-year-old football game. He decked the kid and, of course, they have it on video.

Gregg says:
This is what’s wrong with your generation? My parents let us loose in the neighborhood and didn’t care where we were. Your generation can’t let kids to do anything on their own. Everyone has to be a winner – or else!

Mathew says:
Petero’s being billed as, obviously, “The Football Dad.” Don’t you just love it? There was the Hockey dad; the Baseball dad; and now we have the Football dad.

Gregg says:
The all time great media tag was the “Texas Cheerleader Murdering Mom.”

Mathew says:
Bestseller, that book.

Gregg says:
Wanda Holloway, that’s her name.

Mathew says:
Beth’s sister-in-law, right?

Gregg says:
Google it just in case. In the TC Nation, everything leads back to Aruba.

Mathew says:
Later, Kareem.

Gregg says:
Much, Herve.